Friday, January 15, 2010

Regrets of the Heart...

i'm not even sure where to begin this post...

i'm a very private person...i never talk about what hurts...

i was taught as a young child not to give voice to those feelings..

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i lost my dad unexpectedly almost five years ago..

i miss him terribly...

i have regrets in my heart...

i have desires to go back and change so many things...

i hardened my heart against him...when i should have listened to the silence within his soul...

i focused on his dependency on alcohol; instead of asking why he was turning to the bottle...

he was an amazing man...they don't make cowboys like him anymore...

he was a cancer survivor...not once...but three times...

he never complained about the life that was handed him...he carried on with a strength that, looking back on i hope i can have half as much...

i never took the time to learn all he knew...i look at my children and wish he could be here to teach them the ways of the land...

how do i make things right? how can he know how deeply sorry i am..how to wake every morning knowing that i didn't ease his pain and loneliness...

regrets..sorrow..love...



9 comments:

Jackie said...

I am so sorry that you're feeling these feelings. We make choices in life with what we know at the time - sometimes we don't understand how things were until later. All I can say is that somehow he knows what you feel in your heart now and hopefully there is some comfort in that.

paige said...

you are so brave
brave not only to try to process those thoughts but brave even to share.
i think we all live with regrets ( even if we like to think we don't)& that can be a hard pill to swallow.
i lost my husband when he was only 35 years old. i had many regrets. i think i figured that we were young & we would have our "forever" to work things out.
we had a good marriage
but had just made some wrong choices in how we communicated, spent time, handled conflicts etc.
i swore that if given the chance i would strive not to live with regrets if i ever had a soul mate again.
i think even in friendships i have regrets too

all that to say
try to allow your heart to heal & move forward
i believe that he knows your heart & can see your life now
& your desire for healing

bless you today kristin
xo

Martha said...

Oh Kristin ~ I am so glad you opened up...so glad...because I know it will help you...as I have no advice to say really because I haven't been through a loss of a parent...I am sure with you passing on the memories you have of him to your children and what you already know it will continue on his memory that your children will cherish so much...

We do all have regrets with situations and with people...but Paige is right...he knows your heart and your feelings!

Yellow Pineapple said...

Kristin,
I deleted my post. Sometimes I speak from the heart and I felt a nagging sense it was more for me than you. And I'm sorry.

The way you describe your dad is so touching and I agree, you are so brave to share. I truly believe he knows your heart and is part of all the wonderful things you are and will be.
Hugs,
T

R said...

He knows and understands. You need to believe this and forgive yourself.

Tracey said...

Kristin ~

That's so very sad...my heart goes out to you and the pain you're dealing with. My husband lost his father in Aug., so I have seen first hand how difficult it is to lose a parent...but he was so fortunate to have had a very good relationship...friendship...with his father. I pray that you will come to terms with the sorrow in your heart...go easy on yourself, and open your heart up to healing...

T

p.s. you asked what kind of camera I use - a Canon Rebel - and I still shoot in a/v mode too :)

Jen R. said...

Kristn, I lost my Dad suddenly 12 years ago. I always regret that I never get to know him as a real person and get past things. The thing is... he was a grown up too and made his choices. My Dad was an ex-vietnam vet and believe me had huge issues. Please don't blame yourself for all of those things and reactions. You can take what you've learned from the relationship and use that to make a better relationship with your children. You can share with them the good things about him and good memories.

Jeanneoli said...

I think the things you are feeling could be true for so many of us. I have not lost my parents yet....I need to remember that I only have today to set things right with people. Thank you for being so honest. I am so sorry that your dad is not here anymore.

Marci said...

i just ran into this post looking back through your blog and don't even know if you will see this comment but i'm gonna write it anyway.
my dad died last summer and i hadn't talked to him for 7 yrs until the week before he died. i truly think that him talking to me was the last thing he needed to do here. he didn't apologize and he didn't even really want to see me. but i went there anyway and told him that i loved him. i'm glad that i got that opportunity.
my dad was a great guy. everyone loved him. but he was abusive and could be mean as hell. when i got to be an adult i realized that i could still love my dad and not have to deal with him anymore. i didn't hate him or even resent him i just knew that it wasn't healthy for me to have a relationship with him. i think that sometimes we need to look out for ourselves too. we can love a person despite anything but that doesn't mean that we have to contribute or condone what they are doing to themselves or to us...does any of this make sense? i guess what i am saying is that its ok. its hard...sooo hard to feel the regrets and the what ifs but i've had to tell myself that i saved myself and my family from some heartache. my dad made the decisions that he made and he had to face up to those choices. part of facing up to those was losing his relationship with me and my family.
i think i am rambling and i'm sorry but this all just touched a raw little nerve in my heart and it just made me want to comfort your little raw nerve.
i just feel grateful every day that i have good memories of my dad. i just know that where he is now he gets it. he knows why things were the way they were between us and he also knows that i loved him.
your dad knows the same thing about you. i know it in my heart.
hugs to you.

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